


Half-Broken

by SymbioticAntithesis



Series: Asphyxiation [1]
Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Innuendo, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 17:18:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/624635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SymbioticAntithesis/pseuds/SymbioticAntithesis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unrequited love is a bitch that bites you in the ass time and again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Half-Broken

It was never supposed to be like this. You know. You know it well. Just like how you know that it was stupid of you to fall in love with your twin. But you couldn’t help it, could you? It was always just the two of you; he was always there, next to you, laughing, teasing, playing games—only you and Hikaru existed in your exclusive world, and you liked it like that. No, you _loved_ it. You wanted it to remain like that forever and ever.

But it didn’t.

First it was that Suoh Tamaki who harassed, prodded, and forced himself into your world. You hate him, you really do. Because Hikaru was the one who actually made the decision to join the Host Club; you simply followed. He was your dear brother, after all. Of course you did.

And you would do anything for him.

Out of love.

Then it only got worse, didn’t it?

Haruhi. That androgynous commoner Fujioka Haruhi. Indeed, you were quite miffed when you realized that she could tell you and Hikaru apart with a simple glance but you started to hate her more so than you hated Suoh Tamaki. She was taking Hikaru away from you. Or rather, Hikaru was so taken by her that he was dragging her into your world. But you didn’t _want_ to include Haruhi. You wanted it to stay as it always has been: you and Hikaru. Haruhi shouldn’t be here. Take her out _out_ _out_.

You only play along with Hikaru’s antics because you love him. He can’t know that you harbor feelings for him and thank the Gods, he never does. It was all about Haruhi. Damnit, _everything_ was about Haruhi! You are frustrated and torn; you want to keep Hikaru to yourself, you want to cherish him as your own, want to stay in your world with him for the rest of your life, but you also want him to be happy. So happy, he’s so happy with her. But why can’t he be happy with _you?_ You want him to be happy with _you_ and _only_ you.

Then the dreams start to plague you. Gods, you were so afraid that Hikaru would one day notice. Perhaps he is too oblivious or perhaps it is simply because he sleeps like the dead. Every night you would wake up panting, sweating, an unfulfilled desire burning deep within you. It was only made worse by the fact that Hikaru was sleeping so soundly, so peacefully, _so beautifully_ next to you. Just once, you plead to the Gods, just once you want to taste those lips, run your fingers through his hair, touch and explore the creamy-white skin. . .

You stand up quickly and flee to the bathroom. Mustn’t think such things. You really mustn’t.

~*+=

Tono is an idiot. Well, more so than you already know. Hot springs for the weekend? He was _so_ on the top of your hit-list. Besides, despite dragging Haruhi against her will, she would have a separate bath for the women, anyway. What the hell was the point besides what Tono claimed to be ‘family bonding’ time? Why the hell do you go along with such ridiculous ideas? Oh, right, because of Hikaru.

Damnit.

When everyone ecstatically ready themselves for the hot springs, you decide instead to sulk in your room, claiming that you have a stomachache. Hikaru, worried, offers to stay with you but you practically kick him out the door; you don’t want to spend any more time alone with him than you already do. You don’t think you’d be able to control yourself.

Burying your head in the pillow, you let out a noise between a sigh and a groan. Just thinking of Hikaru _naked_ in the _hot springs_ was enough to make you hard. Not. Good. There was only so much your hand could satisfy and as of late, you aren’t satiated at all. But it was too much to simply ignore it. So your hand trails down to your groin and you jack off to visions of your twin in your mind.

After you climax, you lay in bed for awhile longer, cursing yourself, cursing your twin, cursing that damn Suoh Tamaki for such a frivolous idea. You slowly haul yourself out of bed and gather the soiled sheets; it wouldn’t do if Hikaru came back and found the bed in such a state. No, you would have a _lot_ of explaining to do if that were so and you really don’t want to go through that. You quickly change the sheets, grateful that there is a hamper to throw the dirty ones in. Inwardly, you hope that the maids won’t look too much into it.

You leave your room and quietly make your way to the dining hall. Quite some time has already passed since everyone went to the hot springs and despite saying that you have a stomachache, you are rather hungry. Upon reaching the doors to the dining room, you hear the rest of the host club chatting happily on the other side. You sigh and take a breath, steeling yourself; it was getting harder and harder to face everyone without slipping in your act. It scared you.

But so far, you are sure that no one has noticed. You shake your head, clearing your mind and open the door. Stepping into the room, you hide a grimace; everyone looks so goddamned happy. Honey-sempai is munching away at a mound of cake, Mori-sempai watching in his usual silence but what really wrenches at your heart was the fact that your twin is hanging all over Haruhi (as is Tono). Kyouya-sempai is off to the side, observing as he is wont to do. But you notice something, something that looks extremely familiar to you.

Loneliness, lust, jealousy, desire, _want_.

And could that possibly be. . . love?

Love? Kyouya-sempai? With who?

You follow his line of sight and your eyes land on Hikaru, Tono, and Haruhi. Suddenly you understand; you don’t know how or why, but you just _know_. Kyouya-sempai loves Suoh Tamaki. He is going through the same thing you are—unrequited love. You can’t help but let out a humorless laugh. Turning your eyes away from the trio, you startle a little when you notice Kyouya-sempai’s gaze on you. A spark of understanding passes between the two of you and he inclines his head almost imperceptibly in silent yet reluctant acknowledgment.

“Kao-chan!” your name pulls you out of your staring contest with Kyouya-sempai and you turn to face Honey-sempai, “Are you feeling better?”

You force a convincing smile, “Yeah, I’m feeling a lot better. Thank you, Honey-sempai.”

“Kaoru,” Hikaru drawls, “Come have some nabe; Haruhi made it.”

Said girl rolled her eyes, “All I did was put the meat and vegetables in the pot, Hikaru. You could’ve done it yourself, you know.”

You slip into your usual act with difficulty but you do it immaculately; you know that no one will see through your mask save for Kyouya-sempai and you have no qualms with him knowing. Kyouya-sempai would keep your secret. You move forward and take a seat next to Hikaru, all the while feeling Kyouya-sempai’s eyes on you and a strange twisting feeling in your gut. _Keep going, keep going._  


_~*+=  
_

The following days crawl by so slowly that you think that surely you’re going to die from the irony of it all. Temptation lurks everywhere you turn and you are just about fit to burst at any moment. That was why, on the last day before you all head back home, you are lounging in the hot springs, a vain attempt to calm your nerves. But it doesn’t help that the heat of the spring is getting to you. Gods, you are such a _pervert_ ; your thoughts always, without fail, somehow stray back to your twin and really, only people who are a little touched in the head fall in love with their own sibling, let alone one of the same sex. You are disgusted with yourself and you tell yourself this time and time again, reprimanding.

You lean back in the water and groan. Surely there will come a day when you cannot hold yourself back any longer and you prayed that it would never happen. You are so caught up with your own thoughts that you do not hear the doors of the bath slide open and close and do not feel the water ripple against you. By the time you do realize, it is just a little too late.

“Kaoru,” a low tenor purrs in your ear, and you startle, shivering despite the heat, “It seems that you have a little problem.”

You blush, turning slightly to the side to see your dark-haired sempai staring at you intently. Somehow, those brown eyes are so much more piercing when they aren’t behind glasses. “Kyouya-sempai,” you breathe, unable to utter anything else. “What—” A sharp intake of air when a hand brushes lightly over your apparent desire underneath the water.

“Am I right?” his voice is so low, so sensuous, that you can’t help but get turned on even more. But this is _Kyouya-sempai_. What is going on? Why are you reacting in such a way?

Pervert _pervert_ _pervert_.

But you lose yourself anyway to the sensation of someone touching you, as you bite your lip, imagining in your mind that it is your beloved twin caressing you in such a loving manner. So close, you are so close, but the hand pulls away and you let out a cry of disappointment. Why did he stop? _Why?_

“We shouldn’t finish this here,” Kyouya-sempai whispers in your ear, “Come to my room.”

You whimper, lust clouding your senses, nodding belatedly. Release, you need release, and Kyouya-sempai is offering it; you would be an even bigger fool than you already are if you turn down such an opportunity. And you will take it, Gods, will you take it.

Kyouya-sempai leaves the springs before you while you sit contemplatively and catch your breath. Then you get up, wrap the towel around your waist, and change into the inn’s bathrobe. Discreetly, you make your way to Kyouya-sempai’s room feeling both trepidation and excitement. Before you enter, you check again that no one is around and right when you lift an arm to knock on the door, it opens. You stare up into those hard, calculating eyes and you nearly second-guess yourself; but you don’t, and you step in when he moves aside.

Kisses, caresses, mouth to mouth, skin to skin—everything is so overwhelming that you forget who you are, where you are, who you are with. In your hazy and passionate stupor, you are sure that you call out Hikaru’s name but Kyouya-sempai doesn’t mind, because his own thoughts are filled with Suoh Tamaki.

Afterwards, you lay side by side—it is the first time in a long while that you are fully sated.

~*+=  
At first, you think that sleeping with Kyouya-sempai is a one-time thing and your relationship with him will not change in the slightest so you are a little surprised when he holds you back after club one day and pushes you into the back room. He attacks and ravishes your mouth, and after a moment of shock, you relinquish yourself willingly. After all, it was much easier to be around Hikaru without so much sexual tension. Kyouya-sempai takes you against the wall and you are satisfied.

Such occurrences happen again and again and you slowly begin to enjoy Kyouya-sempai’s company. It wasn’t just about the sex, you realize—it was also for companionship. You need someone to confide in, as does he, and what better person than one who is experiencing the same emotional turmoil?

No one notices the change in your or Kyouya-sempai’s demeanor, no matter how subtle it may be, and you are glad for that. It wouldn’t do to have questions and rumors flying above your heads. You carry on as you always have, a little more light-hearted than before, and months pass in this manner. Even Kyouya-sempai, you notice, looks more relaxed as time wears on.

One day during club, while your twin flirts with Haruhi and the girls flutter around with hearts in their eyes, your attention wanders across the room and you unconsciously focus on Kyouya-sempai. He is, for the most part, caring for his own customers but after all the time you have spent with him, you are accustomed to reading his moods. You see his eyes flick every now and then to a certain blond who is graciously bestowing a chaste kiss on a customer’s hand. You suddenly wonder: how could Tono _not_ be attracted to someone like Kyouya-sempai? He was handsome, bearing a quick wit and a dry sense of humor and underneath his cold, calculating façade, he was actually very kind and compassionate.

It was a pity, really, when you think of how Kyouya-sempai deserves better than the half-French idiot. Surely he could do better than that. Then again, you are also sure that Kyouya-sempai has never once wondered about your attraction to Hikaru so you quickly banish such thoughts out of your mind. He notices you staring and you blush lightly at getting caught but all he does is raise an eyebrow in challenge and turns his attentions back to his customers and you do the same.

What is it that vexes you so?

You shake your head to clear your thoughts and plaster a fake but convincing smile on your face; you are certain that it is nothing of importance.

~*+=

Another week passes and you are alone at home, bored. Hikaru is out with Haruhi and you are surprisingly not jealous. You sigh, and impulsively decide to visit Kyouya-sempai—he never shuns you—and you skip down to the lobby of your mansion to inform your driver. The ride is short and quiet, and the Ootori maids greet you warmly and welcome you in. You smile candidly and head towards Kyouya-sempai’s room. When you open the door, you freeze, eyes wide and disbelieving.

Kyouya-sempai. . . and Tono. Kissing, caressing, moaning. Tono is the one who leads Kyouya-sempai up the stairs to the bed but Kyouya-sempai is the one who ends up on top of Tono. Your eyes unconsciously follow them, watch them, and you feel an unexpected vice on your heart and it is suddenly hard to breathe. You back slowly out of the room, lock the door, close it. Fists clenched at your sides, you try your hardest to compose yourself. But you can’t do it. You turn on your heel and start to walk away. Your pace quickens and you are soon running, fleeing from the Ootori mansion; you don’t want to be anywhere near here. Away, away, you _need to get away_.

You run all the way home and you barely make it to your room before you break down crying. Emotionally and physically spent, you lean against the wall and collapse on the floor, bringing your legs up to your chest, burying your face in your knees. Why _why_ are you so shaken? Why does it _hurt_ so much?

Time is irrelevant and you don’t know how much of it has passed. Stupid _stupid_ _stupid_ _._ Of course Kyouya-sempai would take advantage of such an opportunity. Hell, if _you_ had a chance for just a taste of Hikaru’s love, no matter that it would only happen just once, that it was simply pretense, you would take it without any regards to the possible consequences. You would, you really would.

Right?

You vaguely hear the room’s door open and close; a gasp and then a “Kaoru?”

Your twin is calling you, worried, shocked. But you can’t answer, you won’t. Hikaru’s arms wrap around your shoulders but you do not feel them; you don’t feel anything but the pain in your chest, the heat of your tears coursing down your cheeks, and the hoarseness of your throat from your pathetic sobbing. You don’t know anymore, you don’t know anything.

Your twin? Yes, yes your twin is calling you, frantic, “What’s wrong? Why are you crying? What can I do?” You say nothing, continuing to cry. Cry _cry_ _cry_.

Why does it hurt so much?

Why?

_Why?_

It’s not like you’re in _love_ with Kyouya-sempai; you are sure that you still love your twin dearly. But no, somehow, somehow the love you feel for Hikaru is different now. It’s not the same as before. Now it’s simply. . . sibling love? Of course, why hadn’t you noticed it before? You no longer feel a rush of heat when Hikaru touches you, no longer do you feel intense sorrow when Hikaru drags Haruhi off and leaves you behind, no longer do you crave for his smile, his attention, his inconsequential speeches. Those desires were now saved solely for. . . Kyouya-sempai.

“Damnit!” you scream, slamming your fists onto the ground, uncaring that you probably broke a couple of bones in the process. You feel your twin flinch next to you but for once, you don’t care. All that you can think about is Kyouya-sempai. With Tono.

Gods, you really are an idiot.

You continue to weep in your twins’ arms and you inwardly laugh at the irony; here you are where you always wanted to be: in Hikaru’s embrace. And instead, whose embrace did you _really_ want to be in?

Kyouya-sempai’s.

Kyouya-sempai.

Kyouya-sempai.

You want to be with Kyouya-sempai.  


But you’re not. So you resign yourself to crying in Hikaru’s arms.  
  
~*+= **  
**

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on fanfiction.net and livejournal on November 04, 2008


End file.
